I have been having the most peculiar dreams the last few weeks. They say that’s normal, just one of the bonuses of having my body saturated with hormones.

Still, I don’t like it. The first really odd dream was about one of the most emotionally draining relationships I’ve ever been in, although the chemistry level was very high. At the time, the circumstances just pummelled my confidence and self-esteem, although I would have eaten fire before admitting it. It wasn’t until probably a year after the fact that I really understood what had been going on for me, and was able to take responsibility for my choices and their impact on the relationship.

The dream wasn’t nearly as dramatic as the relationship, but it freaks me out to be dreaming about that time of my life at all.

Last night, I dreamt about a girl I knew in elementary school, and her father. I don’t remember much of the dream, except that I had to watch the dad go through a high speed aging process from what he looked like in 1979 to now.

But what is especially strange is that it was at a sleepover at her house in 1979 that I had my first recognizably sexual dream. I was 10.

All I remember from the childhood dream was a 1950s looking movie musical type set, with a woman wearing a swim cap covered with cloth or plastic flowers and one of those industrial-structured swimsuits with a "you could take an eye out with that" built-in bra.

Apparently I was talking in my sleep. My friend shook me awake, demanding to know what I was dreaming about and why I just shouted "NO!" right into her ear. But I was too embarassed, so I pretended that I couldn’t remember.

I guess what both of those times of life have in common is that I felt in over my head and unsure of myself. Becoming a mom for the first time has some of that too. My concious mind isn’t feeling especially scared or unsure at the moment, but it makes sense that there’s a level at which I’m scared about the lack of control that I’m inviting into my life. After all, I could refuse to talk about my 10-year-old dream, and I could leave the relationship that wasn’t working. But having a child is forever.