How can you resist a pregnancy book written by an infamously funny Playboy Playmate?

Belly Laughs is a short, readable, fun, "danger-Will-Robinson-danger" book about the more unsavory aspects of being pregnant and giving birth — and some savory aspects that don’t get much attention in the softly lit, floral-themed traditional pregnancy books.

For example, it should come as no surprise that Jenny McCarthy talks about sex and pregnancy. Rather than the genteel "it’s perfectly fine and safe, unless your doctor tells you otherwise,"  she makes explicit comments about what she liked, and more, what she didn’t like. And it is hilarious!

And, I learned something "perfectly normal" and completely disgusting about giving birth that I did not know, and probably would not have thought about. Suffice it to say that "What to Expect" and the probably 5 other pregnancy & birth books I’ve read never mentioned this particular yucky fact. It’s actually sufficiently gross that I’m not going to share it with you — go read the book if you really want to know, or be happy that you don’t know.

Humor and grossological education aside, McCarthy’s book has some limitations. Her audience is clear: married heterosexual women in their 20s or maybe 30s. I don’t have any objection to anecdotes about her husband, but I prefer broader language for the advice sections — even straight women having babies don’t always have husbands. And some of the people who would benefit from her advice are probably partners, boyfriends, friends, and even parents.

I’d call this a "borrow, don’t buy" unless you pick it up in a bookstore and love her writing style. And are a married, straight woman in her 20s or 30s.

 

I have been having the most peculiar dreams the last few weeks. They say that’s normal, just one of the bonuses of having my body saturated with hormones.

Still, I don’t like it. The first really odd dream was about one of the most emotionally draining relationships I’ve ever been in, although the chemistry level was very high. At the time, the circumstances just pummelled my confidence and self-esteem, although I would have eaten fire before admitting it. It wasn’t until probably a year after the fact that I really understood what had been going on for me, and was able to take responsibility for my choices and their impact on the relationship.

The dream wasn’t nearly as dramatic as the relationship, but it freaks me out to be dreaming about that time of my life at all.

Last night, I dreamt about a girl I knew in elementary school, and her father. I don’t remember much of the dream, except that I had to watch the dad go through a high speed aging process from what he looked like in 1979 to now.

But what is especially strange is that it was at a sleepover at her house in 1979 that I had my first recognizably sexual dream. I was 10.

All I remember from the childhood dream was a 1950s looking movie musical type set, with a woman wearing a swim cap covered with cloth or plastic flowers and one of those industrial-structured swimsuits with a "you could take an eye out with that" built-in bra.

Apparently I was talking in my sleep. My friend shook me awake, demanding to know what I was dreaming about and why I just shouted "NO!" right into her ear. But I was too embarassed, so I pretended that I couldn’t remember.

I guess what both of those times of life have in common is that I felt in over my head and unsure of myself. Becoming a mom for the first time has some of that too. My concious mind isn’t feeling especially scared or unsure at the moment, but it makes sense that there’s a level at which I’m scared about the lack of control that I’m inviting into my life. After all, I could refuse to talk about my 10-year-old dream, and I could leave the relationship that wasn’t working. But having a child is forever.

 

I’ve never heard of any of the Goddesses that come up on this quiz, and I suspect the quiz author made them all up herself.

I also think her "for girls!" restriction is silly, and I will give big props to any of my silly internet quiz loving male friends who take the quiz and post the results on their blogs. You know who you are. :)

That said, my quiz results were extremely flattering, so of course I’m going to put up the results.

I am the Goddess of Night and Regret. (What????)

Goddess
The Goddess of Night and Regret. You are a perfect confidante. Always understanding and solicitous, you could be a queen and you are exceptionally honest. You are an intelligent beauty.

Which gorgeous goddess are you? For girls! (breath taking pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

 

This is the last of the books I picked up at the Stone Mountain library sale on Saturday. I loved it!

Ghost Country is a radical departure from Paretzky’s V.I. Warshawski novels, although it stays with the gritty Chicago, urban/suburban tension that colors those works.

First of all, although Ghost Country is mysterious and strange, it isn’t a mystery, and it is about as far from horror as one can get. It’s more of a character exploration — what happens when the world does not turn out the way we expected it to? How do we behave? How do we cope?

The central characters in Ghost Country are a pair of sisters, one golden and perfect, the other (a dozen years younger) sallow and disappointing. Their mother and grandmother have both died or disappeared, and they were raised by an exacting and strict, wealthy, overachieving grandfather, and his cold fish housekeeper.

(Incidently, both sisters go to Smith. The golden & perfect one then goes on to law school, where she graduates 5th in her class, while the disappointing sister drops out.)

Grandpere is a neurosurgeon and powerhouse at a local hospital, where he torments a young psychiatric resident for his belief in therapy, not just administration of drugs. His is the flattest character, the only one where you don’t fully sense why they would act the way they do.

Memorable characters include a community of homeless women — a schizophrenic named Madeline, who sees visions of the Mother of God in a rusty crack in a wall near a fancy hotel; Luisa, an alcoholic opera diva who is in the midst of hitting rock bottom; and Starr, a mysterious mute who might be an ancient sumarian goddess with the power to heal. Also interesting are Becca, Luisa’s 13 year old niece; Dr. Hector Tammuz, a young resident who wants to help the homeless women; and Mrs Ephers, Grandpere’s housekeeper.

The characters make you keep thinking about them after the book is over.

 

Brian included a link to his results on this quiz in a recent email.

Since I loved the image of Brian as a wedding consultant, one of the recommended careers I never would have thought of for him, but which he could certainly do (though I doubt happily), I thought I’d see what silly answers the Princeton Review people could come up with for me.

According to the quiz, my interest color and usual style are both RED. This means:

People with red Interests like hands-on / problem solving job
responsibilities and professions that involve practical, technical, and
objective activities. Red Interests include: building, implementing,
organizing, producing, and delegating, which often lead to work in
manufacturing, managing, directing, small business owning, and surgery.

Uh. Organizing? (Assuming they don’t mean political organizing.) Surgery? I just don’t see any of this.

It also means:

People with red styles prefer to perform their job responsibilities in
a manner that is action-oriented and practical. They prefer to work
where things happen quickly and results are seen immediately. People
with red styles tend to be straightforward, assertive, logical,
personable, authoritative, friendly, direct, and resourceful, and
usually thrive in a self-structured, high-pressured, hierarchical,
production-oriented, competitive environment. You will want to choose a
work environment or career path in which your style is welcomed and
produces results.

Yes on the personality traits, but I’m not sure about the "where I thrive" part.

The funniest part is the recommended careers for people with a red interest:

Careers from The Princeton Review Guide To
Your Career
linked to "Red" interest:

Aerospace Engineer                               

Architect                                        

Astronaut                                        

Auto Mechanic                                    

Avionics Technician                              

Baseball Player                                  

Biologist                                        

Political Campaign Worker                        

Carpenter                                        

Caterer                                          

Chef                                             

Chemical Engineer                                 

Chemist                                          

Civil Engineer                                    

Computer Engineer/Systems Analyst                

Computer Operator/Programmer                     

Construction Manager                              

Criminologist                                    

Detective/Private Investigator                   

Developer                                        

Ecologist                                        

Electrical Engineer                              

Electrician                                       

Entrepreneur                                     

Environmentalist/Environmental Scientist         

Farmer                                           

FBI Agent                                        

Firefighter                                       

Geologist                                        

Geophysicist                                     

Industrial Engineer                              

Information Manager                              

Machinist                                        

Manufacturing Executive                           

Mathematician                                    

Military Officer                                 

Nuclear Engineer                                 

Organizational Developer                         

Paramedic                                        

Park Ranger                                       

Petroleum Engineer                               

Physicist                                        

Pilot                                             

Power Plant Manager                              

Plastics Manufacturer                            

Police Officer/Manager                           

Printer                                          

Production Manager                               

Quality Control Manager                           

Robotics Engineer                                 

Software Developer                               

Sports Manager                                    

Statistician                                     

Structural Engineer                              

Technician                                       

Television Producer                              

Textile Manufacturer                              

Stage Technician                                 

Veterinarian                                     

Hazardous Waste Manager                           

Zoologist                                        

Corrections Officer                              

Physician Assistant                              

Training Specialist                              

Webmaster                                        

Biochemist                                       

Network Engineer                                 

Small Business Owner                              

Trader                                           

Web Programmer                                    

Consultant                                       

Private Investigator                              

Radio Producer                                    

Army-Officer                                     

Army-Enlisted                                    

Navy-Officer                                     

Navy-Enlisted                                    

Marines-Officer                                  

Marines-Enlisted                                 

Air Force-Officer                                 

Air Force-Enlisted                               

Coast Guard-Officer                              

Coast Guard-Enlisted                              

Army National Guard                              

Air Force National Guard                         

Ok, let’s just review my personality again for a moment. Raise your hand if you think I would thrive in a military or police work environment. That’s what I thought — no hands raised. Farmer? Statistician? Paramedic? Baseball Player? With the exception of political campaign worker, I think this reads more like a list of jobs most likely to drive me to suicide. Many years ago, Brian told me that he thought I had the soul of an engineer, but I just don’t think this is actually what he meant.

Ok, I’m exaggerating. A handful of those jobs would probably be interesting — training specialist, park ranger, stage technician. And a Brian observed in his blog, they must list consultant and small business owner for everyone who takes the quiz. But none of these are the kinds of jobs that generally show up when I take tests like this, and they don’t generally include the kinds of things I enjoy and am good at, like talking to people and writing.

 

Jill saw me reading First and Long yesterday morning, and suggested that it was time for a bookstore trip. Of course, I am not normally a football-book reader.

But this is not an ordinary football book, and I’ve been meaning to read it since the last time we were in Milwaukee, when I bought it. (Actually, I bought it in Shorewood, roughly 3 blocks from where most of the action takes place.)

The fundamental story is that of the first-ever football partnership between a private and public school, one urban and the other suburban, one overwhelmingly  black and the other overwhelmingly white, in a football program, in the United States.

That would make me pick it up in a bookstore, but it probably wouldn’t make me buy it unless it was one of those library sales where the books are a dollar each. BUT, these two schools are both in the Milwaukee area, and indeed, when I went to high school, my bus passed both of these schools. They’re located maybe a mile apart, on the major Milwaukee thoroughfare of Capitol Drive. Furthermore, if and when Jill and I ever relocate to the Milwaukee area, we think we will probably wind up living in Shorewood — the liberal, inner-ring suburb where the story largely takes place.

So, the story is a great story, as well as being personally interesting to me because of the hundreds of times I’ve passed both Shorewood High and Messmer High.

In the late 1990s, Shorewood High School football had dwindled to a barely sustainable level. In fact, in the mid-1990s, they made ESPN for breaking their losing streak, then the longest in high school sports history in the US. In an entirely predictable demographic moment, much of the blame is laid at the feet of Boys Soccer. Shorewood is a soccer school. That was already true in the 1980s, although apparently Shorewood football didn’t begin to completely suck until 1988.

At the same time, Messmer has recovered and begun to flourish after briefly closing down in the late 1980s. (I actually remember Messmer closing, and wondering what was going to be done with the building, which is beautiful in that mid-century, midwestern, cream brick way.) Unfortunately, the school didn’t have the capital to begin a football program, and no one within the school was especially passionate to carry that flag. They’d explored the possibility of joining with another local Catholic high school, Dominican, which is also suburban. But the alumni squelched that idea in a heartbeat — Dominican had been Messmer’s arch-rival back in the day.

Shorewood’s football coach was driving past Messmer one day, when on impulse, he stopped and asked a group of kids whether or not the school had a football team. The idea took off quickly with both the Shorewood and Messmer administration.

That August, the Shorewood-Messmer team kicked off.

Unfortunately, they had a legacy of either no experience, or sucking. Which would be hard enough to motivate teenagers through, but they also had kids from unbelievably different backgrounds, getting to know each other for the first time.

And the white suburban coaches had never had to deal with players whose parents weren’t stable, middle-to-upper class providers. Some kids on the team had to deal with family violence, death in the family, or the demand for another paycheck in the household.

What you WANT to happen in this book is for the plucky team to finally win a game. The kids get better, mostly; they work hard, mostly; some of them quit, some of them bond, some of them play their hearts out.

Remember, this team has a legacy of sucking. And the new members have never played high school football before.

They do not win a game their first season. They get crushed. Every single game. Eventually they start to score points, and once or twice, they actually get ahead. But in their first season, the Shorewood-Messmer football team gets destroyed in every game.

One of the most annoying things about the book is that it includes pictures, with spoiler captions. I’ve already spoiled this for you, but I promise, if you didn’t know the outcome already, you’d hate the layout for this reason.

You’ll be reading all the buildup about the Dominican game, and 3 pages before the end of the game, there’ll be a picture, with the score of the defeat in the caption. BAD layout people! BAD! If you ever do a second edition of this book PLEASE just bundle all the pictures together in the middle of the book. Or at least move the pictures so that the reader already knows that the team has lost BEFORE they get to the picture with the devastating loss in the caption.

The author does manage to end things on a good note. The partnership was extended after the first season, and in the second season, the team’s first win is against hated Messmer rivals Dominican. And they even manage to get the final moments of the game onto local news. The kids are elated, of course. AND the boys on the team go on to college, some even to play football there.

And everyone lives happily ever after. (Except the coach from the first season, who either quits or gets fired, and gets replaced by someone new. The kids seem fine, but the original coach is bitter.)

Still, a good read, and a nice feel-good story.

 

This was another of my Stone Mountain Library Sale purchases.

I’ve read maybe half a dozen Terry Pratchett novels, and I find him reliably funny, and one of the better male authors writing about feminist topics.

It’s nearly impossible to write about Monstrous Regiment without including any spoilers. The heroine of the book joins the military of her psychotic country, in order to find her brother. Unfortunately, one of the ways that her country is psychotic is that women cannot do any men’s work, and vice versa. "It is an abomination unto Nuggin."

Nuggin is the knucklehead local deity. He somehow issues new edicts on abominations on a regular basis, and they include things like the color blue, and crop rotation, and technology, and even rocks.

The other deity figure in the book is "the Duchess" — to whom everyone prays, swears allegiance, and whose portrait hangs everywhere, but who hasn’t actually been seen in 40 years.

Anyway, Polly, our heroine, cuts her hair, dresses up as a boy, and runs away to join the military. It turns out that everyone else in her regiment has done more or less the same thing. But of course, they are clever and resouceful, these little drag kings, and they manage to cuckold the invading prince — almost literally, and generally raise havoc and save the day.

And as they pull this off, it turns out that a lot of other people have been dragging too, and the invaders just want the psychos to quit tearing down their communications towers and are more than willing to share technology and help them learn better agricultural management, if only the psychos will quit attacking everyone.

The interesting thing is that although a few of the drag kings decided at the end of the day to go back to living as women in a more free society, quite a few live out their happily ever afters as men.

The book doesn’t get into sex or relationships at all — there’s some comic encounters with prostitutes and lecherous soldiers, and a lesbian relationship is hinted at between two members of the regiment, but left ambiguous. Which, unfortunately, I think is the only way this book could have worked. It would be interesting to see someone try it with the complication of authentic sexual tension between two characters.

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