I had comicly bad customer service today at lunch.

Usually, I don’t go anywhere ’sit-down’ for lunch, but a colleague invited me, and I was feeling hungry, sociable, and lazy. So 3 of us decided to go to the restaurant downstairs in our building.

First, they needed to clear a table for us to sit outside. It was the lunch rush, so it didn’t bother me when that took a little while.

Then it took forever for them to come take our drink orders (2 waters and an iced tea), and even longer for them to come back and take our food orders.

By the time the food came, I was ready to gnaw off my arm. Or open my emergency applesauce from my purse. (Actually, I would have, but I didn’t have a spoon. Or any other flatware.)

The food was fine. (I had fresh fruit, asperagus, and sweet potato puree.)

"Would you like some more water?"

"Yes, please."

10 minutes pass.

"How’s everything here? Would you like some more water?"

"Yes, please!"

10 minutes pass.

With a pleading look and my glass in my hand, I catch the waiters eye. "Could I please have some more water?"

"Oh! Right! Sorry about that."

The last dish is ready to be cleared. One colleague had mashed potatos, and her knife is still coated with them. The waiter tilts the plate, dropping the knife on my cloth bag and smearing oily mashed potato residue in 3 places, one of them the full length of the blade.

"Oh! Sorry! Let me get you a napkin."

More time passes. In addition to the towel and the club soda, he brings our check.

It has been helpfully subdivided already, into "Guest 1, Guest 2, and Guest 3." Unfortunately, the food has not been accurately attributed. And all of us want to use plastic to pay. Fortunately the lunch rush is over by now, so we don’t feel too bad asking him to fix it.

The corrected bill comes back.

Not that much time passes before he comes back to pick it up. "Would you ladies put your initials next to your total, so I put them on the right cards?"

Of course we will.

Time passes.

He comes back with the credit card charge slips. None has my name or card number on it, and two are for one of my colleagues. I take both cards and charge slips and go forth to find the waiter. Eventually, one of his colleagues sends him out front.

I explain the problem.

"Oh! Sorry about that. I have the initials in the back, I’ll go fix that."

More time passes.

Blessedly, he finally returns with the correct amount charged to each of our cards. But he wants to explain what he did to fix it to the entire table. So we return together, and he does. Saying "Sorry about that" the entire time.

I didn’t totally stiff him on the tip. But it probably was the worst one I’ve left as an adult. I hope he considers a new line of work.