Stretch

I didn’t expect to hate my stretch marks.

Before I got pregnant, I had this idea that I probably wouldn’t get very dramatic stretch marks, maybe just a few lines, and I’d wear them like a badge of honor. I thought I would feel like "I earned these."

And I’ve been "careful" and done "everything right" — oodles and oodles of cocoa butter lotion, roughly twice/day, starting before I even really looked pregnant. Plus, it isn’t as if I had a flat stomach or otherwise "flawless" body before I was pregnant. I even have chicken pox scars just inches from the stretch marks.

Still, for the last 3 weeks or so, I’ve had an ever-growing forest of dark red lines radiating up-and-out from just above my pubic bone. I can only see them in the mirror, and even then, I can only catch a glimpse without lifting my belly slightly. I can cover them, almost exactly, by placing my hands over them, fingers together at the base of the marks.

And I hate them.

I can’t tell if they really itch, or if I’m imagining it. I’m now putting lotion on my belly sometimes as many as 4 times per day.

The fact that I have 4.5 weeks left and will probably keep growing makes me even more nervous about them. Will they get longer? Thicker? Will they spread out to radiate over the whole lower part of my belly? I think I’m getting them on my thighs too, but they aren’t as dark. Will those get darker or more obvious? Will I find them in new locations?

I’ve secretly looked up information online about what I can do about them after Lil Smudge is born. It looks like I’ll still have a good chunk of cash in my medical savings account for 2005, and the deadline for spending that money has been extended to mid-March or mid-April. I’m thinking about whatever weird laser thing it is that dermatologists can do. I’ve never seriously considered cosmetic medical treatment before.

Ironically, at the same time that I’m stressing out about this, I’m worried that I need to be keeping my caloric intake up so that Smudge gains weight appropriately during these last few weeks. I’ve been doing pretty well on eating healthfully, but the part where I lost a pound during the two weeks up to and including Christmas makes me nervous. Which is probably why I bought 2 slices of cake, 3 pints of ice cream, and made banana bread with chocolate chips and pecans, all since the last medical appt. Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

And, just for the record, Jill is being wonderful through all of my being crazy like this. Even though I feel about as attractive as a beached whale, she tells me I’m beautiful or sexy every day. It does help. I’m a lucky woman.

Fruit & Veg Count, 1/2: 1 organic gala apple, banana bread (maybe 1/3 of a banana?), 7 brussels sprouts, ~1/2 cup green beans