Wed 26 Jul 2006
Speaking of Sensitive Topics
Posted by Liza under Personal
In real life, I’m really, really out. Everyone at work knows, whenever it comes up in context, I come out. I try not to be all "there’s something I need to tell you" about it — it just comes up. And mostly I’m proud of that and it barely ever registers as something I need to Be Sensitive about.
But.
I drop off Noah at day care every morning. We do early drop off, so all the kids who are dropped off early are in the same place. There are about 5 "big kids" (2-6) and one other infant, on busy days. Sometimes it’s Noah and 2 of the oldest big kids, age 5 & 6.
The 2 oldest big kids are incredibly inquisitive, friendly kids. I hope Noah grows up just like them.
And today, for the second time, I found myself in conversation with the big kids about the fact that Noah has 2 mommies. This time there were 4 big kids talking with me about it. I could see the gears turning as the five year olds tried to make Noah’s world make sense in their worlds.
BK1: Noah has 2 mommies?
Me: Yes.
BK2: Was he adopted?
Me: Sort of. He grew in my tummy and his other mommy adopted him.
BK1: Does Noah have a daddy?
Me: No. He only has mommies.
BK3: I have two mommies!
Me: Really? (I know there is a big kid with 2 mommies at this day care, but I don’t know who it is.)
BK3: I have two mommies and a daddy.
Me: You’re a pretty lucky girl.
BK4 (the littlest BK): I have a mommy and she bought me a dinosaur book.
Me: You’re lucky too!
BK2: Can I touch Noah’s hair?
All 4 big kids scramble in to touch Noah’s hair. Gently!!! We agree that it is very soft. Then I announce that I have to go to work.
OK, I don’t know how else I might have handled it, or if I should have handled it differently, or if I need to be thinking more, or if I’m thinking too much, or what.
And maybe I shouldn’t be worrying extra about this, but I am, even though I’m afraid it’s racist of me, but I worry extra about the fact that the other early drop off infant comes from an obviously observant Muslim family. His mom isn’t veiled, but the only parts of her that show are face and hands.
IF they were adults, maybe even teens, I wouldn’t be worrying at all. But maybe I think that parents have the right to talk to their kids about this stuff on their own schedule, and maybe they don’t want their kids having it "rubbed in their face" at day care.
And at the same time, maybe it’s good that those kids will grow up having known 2 mom families for their whole lives and not having had a big deal made of it. Of course that’s a good thing.
So why am I so freaked out?
July 26th, 2006 at 8:49 pm
You are freaked out because you are a Mom. Because you want the best for Noah and while you will do everything in your power to protect him, you know there will be times when other people behave badly…and you can’t control that. So you will probably have a little bit of freaking out for the rest of your life.
And just think of how much fun Noah and his future sibling will have poking fun at your freak outs! Just like you and I have had with Mom’s!! It’s a cycle of life!
July 27th, 2006 at 9:02 am
I think all you can do in this situation is answer the kids’ questions honestly, recognising the opportunity to inform them of your situation but maybe not developing it further until/unless asked more questions–if only because kids’ attentions spans can be short and mecurial.
Re. your post on the 25th: it would be a shame if the different parenting communities couldn’t talk to each other by sharing the same blogspace. Reinforcing perceived divisions between types of families online doesn’t help break them down IRL. Of course, the flipside is communities like (possibly)the Mom network; surely ‘husband’ as the only default co-parenting category is a little outdated?
Good luck with whatever way forward you decide on.
July 27th, 2006 at 9:54 am
I think you handled yourself with your usual aplomb. Answering these kids questions honestly and upfront really seems the only thing you could have done. And I agree, if these kids/families can grow up saying that knew at least one family with 2 moms, then that’s something.
July 27th, 2006 at 10:34 am
i think you handled it well and you shouldn’t be worried that you are interfering with the other parents in any way. you didn’t say anything about homosexuality (not that it would necessarily have been improper, but it would be potentially more controversial) or try to impart any of your values or beliefs onto the kids, all you did was answer a simple question with a straightforward answer - “yes, noah has two mommies and no daddy.” what else could you say? it would be ridiculous to lie or to refuse to answer such a simple, factual question.
i also don’t think you worry especially about the muslim family. they may be a lot more understanding than a religious christian (just as an example) family that you don’t even know attends the daycare because they don’t appear any “different.”
July 29th, 2006 at 3:09 pm
The above folks make good points. Also, remember that the parents of these kids have chosen a daycare known for its liberality and openness to diversity, just like you did.
Relax. The kids will ask the parents questions if they have them, and the parentes will answer. If the parents are freaked that their kids are getting exposed to the world, they will make decisions about how to expose their kids less. It’s not your job to second-guess other parents’ possible views of how you answer their kids’ questions, and then try to answer said questions in the way you guess their parents might want you to.
If at some point it becomes an issue — for example, a parent says “hey, I’d rather my kid not know about X” — then you deal with that when the time comes. I doubt that it will, though.
Your answers to the kids were great, especially saying “you’re lucky” to each of them when each offered information about home.
July 30th, 2006 at 9:22 am
Hi Liza! You did great as always. The kids may or may not inquire about the “two mommies” situation with their own parents who will doubtlessly handle the political etc. issues in the way they best see fit. (hopefully by blowing it off)
Congratulations on all the great job changes!! Best of luck to you guys. Also, having two kids is exponentially more fun than having one — I hope all those plans are going well too.
Yours,
Madelaine