Tue 31 Oct 2006
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be an animatronic Anna Nicole Smith?
Posted by Liza under Opinion
Believe it or not, this is a breast pump review.
If you have ever wondered what it would be like to be an animatronic Anna Nicole Smith, I suggest Whisper Wear
The Whisper Wear pumps are battery operated pumps that you tuck into your bra, with funny little hoses and plastic bags that the milk pumps into, which hang down along your belly. They are authentically hands free during the pumping itself.
The pumps are between an A and a B cup, so if you already have breasts of your own, you suddenly become lumpily well endowed. If you start out well endowed, you are instantly in Anna Nicole Smith territory. Or maybe an Austin Powers fembot is a better comparison. Jill found this look hilarious on me. I felt like part of the borg.
They do not whisper. They are loud, louder than either the PY or the PIS. Also they don’t cycle at the same rate, so they synch up for approximately 4 cycles every minute. It sounds like 2 wheezy, snoring babies are hiding out inside my bra.
In the first 15 minutes, I collected 1 oz from my usually less-productive side, and exactly nothing from my usually more productive side.
Further investigation showed that I was not perfectly centered on that side, which did produce after I fixed that. With any other pump, I would have been able to look and tell if I was off-center or not in the first cycle.
These were also the most difficult pumps to clean that I have ever encountered. They have all these tiny little fusty parts and poor spatter control.
Remember, I bought them used at a bigole multi-family rummage sale. I did not open the package and inspect them first, or I wouldn’t have bought them. They were…gross. But by then, I’d spent $40, and I wanted to at least try them.
To clean them here’s what I did:
- Took apart every part I could remove, including unscrewing the screwed together bits.
- Dry wipedown, to remove larger and more visible remnants left by the previous owner. (Ewwww.)
- Disinfectant wipe wipedown, to remove greasy feel and kill germs.
- Detail scrape, getting at the myriad of tiny little crevaces where grease was left behind.
- Antibacterial dishsoap wash, all parts except the motor. To clean, kill germs, and remove disinfectant.
- Nuke in microwave sterilizer bag, to kill any supergerms that managed to survive the first 2 parts of the cleaning process. By the end of all that, they looked bran-new.
After 33 minutes of pumping, I got approximately 4 oz total, which for me is 2/3 the usual production in 2-3x the amount of time. By the end, I felt similarly to how I feel when Noah falls asleep nursing and will not be dislodged from my breast, even though he’s been asleep for 45 minutes. Only on both sides.
These are getting recleaned and put up on eBay.
Recommendations: If you don’t have any access to electricity OR a place where you are able to be as exposed as a regular electric pump requires, AND you either have teeny-tiny breasts or don’t mind covering up in large, loose garments, AND you are patient with the cleaning, AND you don’t need to worry about the noise the pump makes AND someone gives you a Whisper Wear pump for a gift and you can’t return it or sell it on eBay…I’m sorry. At least it works. (As long as it is perfectly centered.)
Bottom line, get something else
