And by popular demand, of course I mean Grandma. Not that the rest of you weren’t waiting for new cute pictures of Noah.Playing with Choo-Choo

Noah really is willing to play with his choo-choos approximately 60% of the day. This was during that window, before he got bored and started throwing them. Including at the television. Which was immediately turned off, followed almost instantly by a time-out for Noah, which he more-or-less voluntarily complied with, which was in turn followed by breakfast. And then a run through the neighborhood.

 

Did you know that last week was National Infertility Awareness Week? Or that infertility affects 12.5% of the US population? I saw a few blog posts about it, but didn’t get organized to add my $.02 until now.

I hesitate to declare myself part of the “infertility community.” I don’t have PCOS, I haven’t had any miscarriages, it only took me five cycles of trying to get pregnant with Noah.

On the other hand, getting pregnant is the same big, expensive, medical deal for me as it is for someone who spends six months or a year having sex with the intent of getting pregnant, and not succeeding. We go to the same doctors and we take the same drugs.

I’ve been lucky.

Since we’ve been trying to get pregnant, I’ve had jobs with great health insurance that included at least some infertility treatment. Still, here’s a rough breakdown of our out-of-pocket expenses:

From the beginning to Noah’s birth:

  • 10 vials of Our Anonymous Donor’s sperm: $2850 in 2004. If we were buying the same category of donor today, it would be $405 per vial, so I’m glad we bought when we did. Also, we paid for this through my flexible benefit plan health savings account, the $5k you can withhold pre-tax. Who knew that sperm would be a “qualified medical expense?”
  • ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: $175, plus sticks to test with, $40/pack of 30, roughly $160.
  • Doctor visits when we lived in DC: Roughly $1000. The doctor was out of network, we did three rounds of unmedicated IUI.
  • Getting the sperm from the cryobank to the doctor’s office: Roughly $85 each time for 5 cycles = $425.
  • Storing the sperm from January 2004 through May 2007: $1155
  • Doctor visits after we moved to Atlanta: Roughly $500. I had coverage, the doctor was in network, but I had a $400 deductible and a 10% co-pay.
  • Drugs: Roughly $50.

Total cost of infertility treatment resulting in Noah: $6315.

Total cost so far in the effort to have a second child:

  • Evaluations etc for Jill, when we thought she was going to have baby #2: Roughly $1000. The doctor/facility was out of network, and we have a $1500 deductible EACH.
  • Storage with the non-profit facility Jill was going to use: $10/m for 3 months = $30. (Because of the 3 ring circus of sperm transportation that I went through to move it to my RE’s office, they don’t seem to have entered it in their storage billing system.)
  • Doctor’s visits for me: Roughly $1500. They finally agree that I’ve met my deductible, so we have to have hit that, but I can’t explain it all.
  • Drugs: $105
  • Bloodwork while out of area: $913 that I am still fighting with the insurance company about. Either they should pay it, or they should count it against my deductible. They should quit erasing it from their computers when they get confused.
  • Second opinion doctor who was out of network but I have awesome insurance so that was still 70% covered: $560. (I haven’t gotten that 70% back, so I’m counting the whole amount. It’s still out of my pocket.)
  • EDITED TO ADD more ovulation predictor kits and sticks for the Clear Blue Easy Monitor. And pregnancy tests. Not to be icky, but we in the ttc blogosphere call all of that gear “peesticks.” I would guess roughly $20/cycle, including the canceled & skipped cycles, let’s say $80.

Total cost of infertility treatment so far in round two: $4188.

Also? Add parking to most visits (all DC and the convenient Atlanta ones, but not the ones where I have to drive halfway to Tennessee). Let’s say $10 for each DC appointment and $3 on average for Atlanta. Call that $60 in DC and $45 here, or $72 in round one and $33 so far in round two.

That brings us to a current $10608.

If I get pregnant this cycle or the next, while it’s still 2007 and we’re still doing IUI, our additional out of pocket costs should be minimal, say $250 or less.

If we don’t, we’ll have one vial left and have to have a serious discussion of IVF. My insurance doesn’t cover IVF at all.

The RE practice with whom we had the second opinion consult told us, in great detail, that if we did IVF through them, it would cost between $12,000-$20,000.

 

Dear Noah,

A few days ago, you turned 21 months old. Hard to believe, but you’re now “almost 2.”

There have been some big milestones this month. You’re completely weaned now, although neither of us is very happy about it. Yesterday morning you broke my heart, sobbing and crying for “babboo” while I cuddled you and said I was sorry, but we can’t.

This month, you’ve had a breakthrough in being aware of your ability to get what you want — in other words, to manipulate your mommies. When you have an idea for something you want, or want to do, you pause, smile winningly at us, and say, “Cookie?” or “Choo-choo?”

If we say, “we don’t have cookies for breakfast,” or “we’ll watch choo-choos in a little while,” you turn on the charm and try again. It’s as if you were thinking, “Mommy, you must not have understood me. I just had the best idea EVER! You should give me a cookie!” Sometimes you’re patient enough to go through this cycle 8 or 10 times before you get upset with the realization that no one is going to give you a cookie for breakfast.

Your favorite word continues to be “No.” You answer “no” in response to about 75% of all questions, mostly ignoring the rest. We try not to laugh when the conversation goes like this:

“Noah, would you like a cookie?”

“No.”

Pause.

“Cookie? Cookie?”

“Oh. Noah, would you like a cookie?”

“No!”

Pause.

Run over to the corner of the kitchen where the cookies are kept.

“Cookie???”

You even helped Mommy to be a finalist in a haiku contest with your funny “no!no!no!no!no!” commentary. We came in 5th out of nearly 100 poems!

I’m going to paste it in here, just so you don’t have to go looking for it:

Approaching Two
Do you want some cheese?
No! Some apple juice instead?
No! No! No! No! No!

Cheese? Cheese? Cheese? Door? Cheese?
Can you say please? Peez. Tanku.
Mommy! Mommy! Kiss!

Your language skills continue to explode. You’re now repeating the last word or two of nearly anything you hear on tv, and some particular favorites make repeat appearances. Those include Sir Toppam Hatt saying, “Silence!,” “Oh, bother!,” and “Nonsense!” You also join Annie and Clarabelle in getting very worried about the “duc-der” who Thomas accidentally leaves behind at the station. I’m sorry it took us so long to figure out you weren’t talking about a tractor, but rather, the train conductor.

Almost everything you say now is in phrases, although that might be because so much of it is “no bed,” or “no bi-per,” (diaper) or “no bath.” It’s still all about the nouns when you want “anana” (banana) or “sa-babies” (strawberries) or all day, every day, “choo-choo!”

I’m kidding, sort of. You also say more complex sentences, like, “Choo-choo in bath,” “Mama choo-choo help!,” and “Choo-choo up wall.”

Oh yes, choo-choo up wall indeed.

Adorably, you’ve decided that your two biggest train engines, Gordon and Henry, are Mama choo-choos. Their coal cars are baby choo-choos. You talk endlessly about the Mama and baby choo-choos being together or apart, helping, going, and going a-boom.

You finally have more teeth coming in — the doctor saw molars breaking through when we took you in after you had a high fever this month.

We hope you don’t use these teeth the way some of the other kids in your day care classroom use theirs. You came home one day last week with a bite on your back that broke the skin, and on the same day, scratches on your face that drew blood.

Of course, some of that is inevitable in day care settings. But we think it happens too much at your school, and we’re looking for a new school that we think will protect you more and help you to learn and grow. We hope we’ll find a place where you no longer sob in the morning when it’s time to put on your shoes and jacket.

We love you so much, Noah, that it’s almost impossible to put it in words. The best moments of my day are the ones where you are giving me a hug and a kiss.

love,

Your mommies

 

Disclaimer: I don’t do anything like this in my job any more.

I know a lot about censorship and content rating systems. I spent several years working as a software product manager for the “parental controls” products of major Internet service providers, another year cracking the “you must make this more accurate” whip, reviewing customer complaints about sites that were blocked or allowed, and training content raters on an outsourced team that we hired to clean up our 16 million already-rated site database.

Before that, I spent 4 years as a First Amendment lobbyist, mostly fighting federally mandated Internet filtering in schools and libraries, and also fighting laws that would have required web sites to censor themselves or block access to themselves.

During that time, I was also part of the team that launched the web site GetNetWise, which gave parents safety tips and a comprehensive database of parental controls Internet access and content management tools. I was specifically responsible for making sure that database was robust when we launched.

While I believe that the government has no business deciding who can see what kind of content, I think that adults who want to avoid seeing material they find offensive, and who want to limit what their children may be exposed to, have the right to make their own decisions about that. And that helping them find tools that more-or-less reflect their values is a good thing.

Back in the day, say 1997-2000, everyone and their brother was launching web filtering software. You could get one where the filtering choices were made on an Orthodox Jewish basis, an Evangelical Christian basis, a “we’ll only block porn and parents can add others or remove sites from the list themselves” basis, and countless others that didn’t really make it so clear where they were coming from.

All this is a prelude to say, I know what I’m talking about when it comes to content rating systems.

The smackdown here is MPAA vs the ESRB. The movie rating people vs the Entertainment Software Rating Board — the video game rating people. In the United States. Readers abroad, you’re on your own, I don’t know anything about your rating systems.

Last weekend, Jill and I watched the amazing documentary “This Film Is Not Yet Rated,” by Kirby Dick. It’s an expose on just how secretive, biased, and unnaccountable the movie rating system is.

Honestly, even I was shocked. I always figured that they had some kind of proprietary and secret checklist of reasonably objective criteria. I imagined it included things like X showings of the following body parts = R, or X curse words = PG-13, 2X curse words = R, etc.

No. Or at least, not at the time. Since that movie was released, the MPAA has made announced some improvements to their system, but their web site doesn’t reflect any noticable change.

Here are some of the troubling things that the film exposed about the MPAA rating system:

  • Sexual content was treated differently if it involved same-sex couples than opposite-sex couples, even if the actual content was similar.
  • Movies by major studios are treated differently than movies by independent filmmakers, with studios getting much more detailed recommendations on how they might be able to obtain a less restrictive rating.
  • Sexual content that strongly indicated a woman was enjoying herself — even if that indication wasn’t graphic/didn’t show her body below the shoulders, was more likely to get a restrictive rating than similar depictions of male pleasure.
  • Graphic violence is not rated as restrictively as sexual content.
  • The difference between a R and a NC-17 could, in some cases, come down to the number of sexual thrusts in a movie’s sex scene.
  • Although the MPAA claimed that they were parents of school-aged children, actually, most of them were parents of adult children. Using objective criteria and training, I think anyone can accurately rate content, but the MPAA made a point of claiming that these people were “ordinary parents” like the people who presumably use the rating system. But most 26 year olds don’t ask Mom & Dad if they can see a particular movie.
  • The raters’ identities were kept secret, and moviemakers could not speak to them or try to explain any disagreement with the decisions while asking them to reconsider.

Let’s compare this to a really good rating system: the ESRB‘s system for rating video games.

Like the MPAA, the ESRB has an easy to read graphic that goes on the front of the box, telling parents at a glance what games it considers age-appropriate. But it’s a lot more detailed than the MPAA’s. The ESRB has 6 categories: EC (early childhood), E (everyone), E-10+ (everyone 10 and over), T (teen), M (mature – 17+), and AO (adults 18+ only).

Of course, your idea of 10+ appropriate and mine might differ.

Fortunately for us, the ESRB provides more detail on the back of the box.

There, they list more than 30 possible specific descriptors. If you don’t want your child exposed to simulated — or real — gambling, you can avoid those things.

More concerned about the level of violence?

There are NINE different, specific descriptors that include violence. You can avoid them all, limit exposure to only cartoon-like depictions, or fantasy-violence that involves “situations easily distinguishable from real life,” and if you choose to, you can allow older children to play games that are more graphic.

And if you are concerned about the kind of sexual content your child may be exposed to in video games, that’s rated too. There are eight different descriptions of sexual content, ranging from “partial nudity” and “mature humor” to “sexual violence” and “strong sexual content.” Some parents may not be concerned about their older teens playing games with mature humor, while others feel differently.

Even better? You don’t have to remember to look at these things every time you buy a video game, or your child trades games with his or her friends. You can set up parental controls on your Wii or X-Box, your PS2 or PS3, and even your home computer. And you can customize them to allow only up to X, Y, or Z levels of depictions of these things.

And the ESRB has instructions on their web site. (Except for Mac. But the instructions for Vista are similar, and if you’re a Mac user, you can figure it out. I have confidence in you.)

Can you imagine how much more useful the movie rating system would be if you knew that a movie was rated R because the characters swore a lot, there was some violence, and partial nudity? Or because there was graphic violence, use of drugs, and gambling? Or because there was sexual content, nudity, crude humor, and use of alcohol?
Can’t you imagine making different decisions about whether or not to see those movies, or to allow your older child or teenager to see them?

 

I picked Noah up from day care one evening this week, and immediately noticed that something was wrong.

There were two small scabs forming under his right eye. One was about a millimeter in diameter, the other, a bit more than twice that size.

“What happened!?? What happened to Noah’s face?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, that was Jane.* I was hoping her Mama would get here before you did so she could see what Jane did and know that she has to trim Jane’s fingernails.”

Yeah, ok, good idea, but WHAT HAPPENED???

“So, what happened?”

“Oh, there’s something else too. C’mere, Noah. Let me lift up your shirt.”

There is a bandaid on Noah’s right shoulder blade. Removed, it reveals a small scratch that seems maybe to have bruising around it.

“I’m sorry. You can ask Miss Director* what happened here, she was here too and saw the whole thing. John* is sneaky, and he just snuck up on Noah while Noah was playing by himself. I saw him just as he was about to bite Noah and I grabbed Noah as fast as I could, but I wasn’t quite fast enough.”

“I understand. But what was going on? How did Jane end up going after Noah’s face?”

“They were playing together by the toy shelf, and they’d pulled all the toys down. Jane is aggressive. When she wants a toy someone else has, that Jane, she gets aggressive. She wants whatever toy someone else has.”

I sit on the floor, kissing and cuddling Noah, who seems completely fine. Throughout the discussion, every time we look over at Jane, she smiles and babbles, and Noah points and says “Dane!”
The next morning, I called our church day care, which is NAEYC accredited, and asked about getting on the wait-list. They don’t have any openings right now, but they often have openings come up around the holidays or early in the year. And because we’re church members, we go on the priority waiting list.

Special bonus? More time driving by choo-choos with Noah! That’s my good spin on the fact that going to the church day care will add between 20-60 minutes to my commute, depending on traffic and time of day. It isn’t *far* from my office, but  they are on opposite ends of Atlanta’s downtown/midtown business district.

I’ll be dropping off the waitlist paperwork on Sunday.

That decision was affirmed yesterday, when Noah came home with a bruise and bump on his forehead. Which they didn’t mention to Jill.

Yes, toddlers fight and bite and fall. But I’m not feeling safe. It should happen less.

And like what was going on with Emilin, Noah still cries and resists leaving the house almost every morning.

*Names have been changed to protect the guilty. And the innocent.

 

Last year, I didn’t enter Looky, Daddy’s Haiku contest, but the finalists made me laugh hard enough to snarf coffee.

This year, I got inspired to join the party — and my entry was selected by an actual published poet, Claudia Carlson, bribed by Looky, Daddy to be the judge, as one of the 10 finalists.

So, wouldja go vote for me?

Here’s my 2 stanza haiku:

Approaching Two
Do you want some cheese?
No! Some apple juice instead?
No! No! No! No! No!

Cheese? Cheese? Cheese? Door? Cheese?
Can you say please? Peez. Tanku.
Mommy! Mommy! Kiss!

And when you’re done, go vote in the 2007 Weblog Awards! Voting ends around 5 pm today (east coast time), if I remember correctly.

Looky, Daddy, is a finalist in the Parenting category. He’s got some stiff competition.

In fact, I love many of the blogs he’s up against, but ever since Looky, Daddy published his hilarious essay on why he he is afraid of his three preschool daughters growing up to be lesbians, he’s had my loyalty. (Yes, you read that right. Trust me. And trust LesbianDad.)

Other blogs I love that are up for awards include Mombian in the LGBT category, Stirrup Queen in the medical category, BlogHer in the community category, Bitch PhD in the Top 250 category, and Konagod in the category I won last year, The Best of the Rest. Vote for them, too! (Those are links to the voting — links to the blogs are below.)

 

This is Mork, calling Orson.

No wait, that’s not true. (But does anyone else remember loving Mork & Mindy as a kid? Or am I the only dork who wore rainbow suspenders?)

But I’m not talking about that NaNo, NaNo. I’m talking about NaNoWriMo, which I’m going to shorten to NaNo, even though it’s already short for National Novel Writing Month. Which I’m attempting. Badly.

Why would I take on trying to write 50,000 words of a novel at the same time as starting to exercise, both on top of regular life with a toddler and ttc another one?

Besides that I’m crazy, or maybe as proof of it, I got inspired by my monthly horoscope, which says that any seeds I plant by December 17, 2007, will produce amazing results in my life over the course of 2008.

Of course, that could be full of shit. But even if it is, taking action to be responsible for my health and in pursuit of my dream of being a writer is a good thing. Who cares how I got inspired?

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