Where There’s a Will, There’s a Way

We are up to our eyeballs — well, really closer to our hip bones — in willful toddler.

Today, just for example, Noah:

Refused to have his diaper changed this morning when he woke up;
Refused to brush his teeth;
Refused to put on his shoes to leave;
Clung to me with much fury and anguish when I tried to leave day care;
Refused to take off the construction hat when I came to pick him up from day care;
Threw the construction hat (luckily not at anyone);
Lay down and refused to leave day care;
Refused to eat a single bite of dinner, declaring “I no like noodles and broccoli” — two of his favorite foods;
Demanded instead cherries and grapes, and repeated the demand approximately 40 times — to which we answered 40 times that he could have cherries and grapes after he had some noodles and broccoli;
(Incidentally, the net result of this is that for dinner he had 2 cups of watery apple juice and some graham crackers in the car on the way home from day care.)
Refused to go upstairs to get ready for bed;
Refused to have his diaper changed;
Refused to brush his teeth; and
Hid from Jill when she went to go pick him up and brush his teeth for him, til she was sufficiently annoyed that she removed the glider rocker and ottoman from his room so he couldn’t hide behind them anymore.

Note that I didn’t count anything on this list that he merely declined to do on the first or second request, but ultimately agreed to do without screaming or throwing anything. Like pick out a new t-shirt for bed, or select a story to read. And unlike this weekend, there was no hitting or painful headbutting.

We already try to do things like 5, 2, and 1 minute warnings when we’re going to go do something else, but mostly those seem to occur to Noah like challenges to get warmed up with the defiance. Distraction works fabulously, when we’re able to get his attention. But at least half the time, as soon as we try, he starts yelling “No, Mommy, no!” and sometimes continues it to “Stop talking, Mommy!”

After consulting with some other moms, I ordered the book 1-2-3 Magic from Amazon. And also a timer that has both sound and light warnings so we can start giving him more information on how much time is left for things.

I’m open to other ideas too. I liked the Alfie Kohn books, but they just don’t seem pragmatic for toddlers with working parents. Noah has brought out depths of patience that I never previously imagined existed in me, but they don’t go far when he’s trying to run away in a parking lot, hitting me, or making me late for work.

And just so I don’t paint a complete picture of Noah as devil spawn, let me assure you that the deliciously sweet is actively present too. For example, tonight Noah:

Sang the ABCs, The Itsy Bitsy Spider, and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star to his baby sister and gave her kisses;
Kissed boo-boos on This Mommy’s elbow and my leg; and
Cuddled close and charmingly while we read stories at bedtime.

2 Responses to “ Where There’s a Will, There’s a Way ”

Comments:

MaMaMia says:
July 8th, 2008 at 11:31 am

I feel your pain. Literally. We have a 4 and now 2 year old boys and life can get extremely challenging. (not to mention we have another due to arrive in Oct.)
I too was intrigued by the Alfie book but found that after reading it I felt like such a crappy parent. We just recently acquired the DVD of his lecture via inter-library loan and now feel refreshed and equipped with a few more “tools” if you will. One thing I really took away from the video was whether or not your requests are “reasonable” and that you should give reasons for why something has to happen. I don’t want to say that it has been a miracle cure, but it has helped.
I also really enjoy some of the logic and techniques of Dr. Harvey Karp–Happiest Toddler on the Block.
We kind of morph the two together for our parenting style.

Polly says:
July 9th, 2008 at 4:28 am

Alas, I have only the creased, dog-eared picture of my daughter as devil spawn to hold up. Mostly as consolation to you.

In fact today, at the checkout stand at the grocery store, she only finally managed not to bolt again into the store because I had her clamped, in the air, under my left arm. I had to say to the sympathetic woman looking at me (two speechless kids at her sides) “Let this be a negative example for everyone.” I felt like that was both on the “toddler behavior” score and the “parental response” score.

Fortunately, she said, gesturing to her daughter, “My daughter’s her twin!”

MaMaMia, you’re the second person I’ve read recommending the DVD of his lecture. We totally have to get it, since I agree with you both, I like his approach, but it is so hard to be working toward the long, long, long-term pay-off, when the cost in the short term seems to be parental insanity.

Still, we try as hard as possible to hold fast. It’s like a spike in the gut when she’s so absolutely direct: “I’ll [do behavior X] because I like watching movies [privilege Y that was threatened to be revoked], not because I care about [behavior X].” One day, one day.