Liza

Politically Inclined Lesbian Mommy Blogger & Bibliophile

Talking with my 5 year old about relationships

2 Mom Family, The Real Live Boy 2 Responses »
Feb 022012

I had my first direct conversation about romantic relationships with Noah today. He’ll be 6 next week.

I really did not expect this. At least not yet.

The thing is, a very lovely girl in his class, we’ll call her NamelessGirl, has had a rather obvious crush on him for  a couple of months. And he seems to have some of those kinds of feelings back, although he is a lot less willing to admit to them.

Three or 4 weeks ago, NamelessGirl totally mortified Noah, by playing “texting”  (tapping on your hand with one finger and saying something about the person) and telling Noah that she thought he was handsome. He told Jill someone had told him the most terrible, awful, horrible thing anyone had ever said to him. With her heart in her stomach, she inquired, and he reluctantly admitted this story.

He also admitted to “texting” her that she was pretty. She was apparently not offended by this. :)

On Tuesday, he came home with a note in his coat pocket. From NamelessGirl. It is a crumpled, green, construction paper snowflake, apparently originally folded into a card. On the front, in pencil, it says, “Noah I love you” The inside is decorated with crayon snowflakes.

Tonight at bedtime, Josie announced that she was not going to marry Henderson, she was never going to get married. Then she asked Noah if he was going to marry a girl when he grew up. Hot with defensiveness, he fired back, “I DON’T KNOW!” and hid under the blankets. He emerged as I commented that most of the time, boys marry girls, but they don’t have to, and some boys marry other boys, and some girls marry other girls. “Like you and This Mommy!” I told them both they couldn’t get married until they were grown-ups, and they didn’t ever have to decide to marry anyone, then I changed the subject.

A few minutes later, after tucking Josie in, I lay down next to Noah. The look in my eye made him hide under the covers, peeking out with one fascinated eye.

“You know, it is ok to have funny, liking-feelings for a special person, either a boy or a girl, and most people do get those feelings sometimes.”

Hide.

“And it’s ok not to have them.”

Peek.

“You don’t have to talk about them if you don’t want to, but if you ever do want to, I promise I won’t laugh or tease you about them.”

Hide.

“There’s just one thing I think it is really important for you to know. Even if you don’t have those feelings about someone, if you know they have them about you, you have to be nice to them.”

Peek.

“We know that NamelessGirl has those kinds of feelings about you, right?”

Nod.

“Well, it is ok if you don’t have those feelings for her, or if you do. And it is ok for you to tell me, or not. But you have to be nice to her, ok?”

Hide.

“Ok.”

Long pause, in which I consider the lumpy pile of blankets, hiding my son.

“Can I ask you if you have those kinds of feelings for NamelessGirl?”

He half-shouts, “NO!!!” from under the blankets.

“Ok, sweetie. Goodnight. I love you.”

Noah’s head emerges from the blankets. “I love you, too, Mom.”

Posted by Liza at 8:15 pm Tagged with: , , ,

10 Percent

Healthy 2 Responses »
Jan 202012

I haven’t talked about it much online, although looking at my sparse posting here, apparently this is where I do almost ALL of my talking about it. I’ve been doing Weight Watchers online pretty seriously since September, and I hit a big milestone this week!

I have lost 10% of my body weight — 17.2 lbs. Actually, I lost 18 lbs, but both of those things happened at the same weigh-in. Ten percent!

That’s still more than my pre-pregnancy weight, and since Noah will be 6 in a few weeks, I think it is high time for my body to return to that state. And since when I got pregnant with Noah, I was right on the BMI borderline between “normal” and “overweight,” my long term goal is to land myself about 2/3 of the way down into the normal range.

I’m trying to set a few mini-goals on my 42:42 journey:

1) Pre-Pregnancy Weight: 150.

Aspiration: Reach this goal by 2/9/12

3) Down by 25 pounds: 147.

Aspiration: Reach this goal by 3/1/12

4) Three-fourths to Goal: 140.5 marks the 3/4 point on this journey.

Aspiration: Reach this goal by 4/5/12

5) 20% Lost: 137.5 means I will be 80% of the woman I was in August.

Apsiration: Reach this goal by 5/3/12

6) Last but not least, 130.

Aspiration: Reach and maintain this goal by 7/4/12: Independence Day!

Why 130?

A few reasons. That was my wedding weight, and I looked awesome at my wedding. 130 is also comfortably in the middle of the normal BMI range for my height. The range is 120-150. And 130 fits well with my turning 42 obsession with the number 42 — it seemed like “the answer.”

On the other hand, except for my wedding, I don’t remember when I last weighed 130. Law school? College? It may not be a realistic goal. If I keep exercising and eating healthfully on the WW plan, and I plateau before I reach 130, I’m not going to beat myself up over it. I’ll keep working towards that goal until the 42:42 game I’m playing is over — when I’m 43. At at that point, I hope I’ll have been hanging out at the same roughly 130 for 4-6 months, but wherever I am, I’ll re-evaluate and make sure I’m still making healthy choices as I move into 43.

 

Posted by Liza at 8:38 pm

Too Young for This

Ancient History 3 Responses »
Nov 022011

This morning, I found out that a man I know died. He died yesterday.

His name was Darin. We weren’t extremely close, but he was part of a group of friends that were an important part of my life in the 1990s.

Back then, Darin was first a student activist, and then worked for the University of Wisconsin’s statewide student lobbying organization, United Council. I’m pretty sure that he was also part of the group my friend Mindy, and probably other US Student Association activists and staff referred to as “the straight, white, guys from Wisconsin.”

From 1993-1998, and especially in the fall of 1995 and the summer of 1996 to spring of 1997, a LOT of my social life revolved around UC staff and USSA. We hung out a lot, excessively at a bar called the Echo Tap, and I came in dead last in the one and only football pool I’ve ever joined (although I think ultimately all that money went to guys from The Onion).

I learned to follow football games from these guys; before I started hanging out with the UC crew, I found the game completely bewildering and boring. And although I was probably closest to David, Sachin, Michelle, Tim, and Dean, who shared my political obsessions, Darin was always there if we had an event, or were watching a game, and he was often with us out drinking Uff Da Bock.

Like many of the UC staff, both from that era and otherwise, Darin remained politically active, stayed in Madison, and was working for the state. He was married. He was 40 years old. He had a son who was 3 years old — Josie’s age.

And yesterday, he collapsed while playing basketball with his friends. He was rushed to the hospital, but they weren’t able to revive him.

As Sachin put it when we talked this evening, go hug your kids, and make sure your life insurance is in order. You just never know what’s going to happen.

And if you are they praying type, pray for Darin, and especially for his widow, and his 3 year old son.

Posted by Liza at 9:36 pm

Discouraging and Encouraging Week

Academic Life, Personal No Responses »
Nov 012011

Last week was a roller-coaster here in the rough neighborhood of my mind.

On the one hand, although I did everything I was supposed to do on weight watchers, I was still up a pound. It feels very unfair to be super-careful with my eating, and to successfully exercise 5 days/week, but to gain instead of losing. I *know* I’m in this for the long-haul, I’m making healthy choices, and that the gain may involve building some muscle.

Logic and knowledge have nothing to do with my feelings about this.

But I haven’t given up, although I did miss 2 mornings of exercise in a row. There has been no massive gorge on Halloween candy — I’ve had a couple of pieces, but nothing outrageous. And I’ve gotten up the last 2 mornings, exercised, and gotten homework done in the early morning.

On the encouraging side, I had a FABULOUS IDEA that has completely reinvigorated my PhD work. I’m not going to try to explain it here, but in a nutshell, it involves a feminist and queer theory analysis of copyright law.

I promise, that makes more sense and is less boring than you might think. It was one of those ideas that propels you forward instantly, where you find yourself WIDE AWAKE after bedtime, excitedly looking for articles and reading until the wee hours.

And on that note, back to statistics.

 

Posted by Liza at 5:15 am

Speaking of Modeling Behavior

Personal 5 Responses »
Oct 252011

Josie is, as has been observed, in an interesting hybrid phase of princess-passion and anything-my-big-brother-does passion. She describes “boy things” as “cool” and “girl things” as “pretty.” Some days my feminist heart and mind are sorely tried. Other days, I worry less. (At parent-teacher conferences, her teacher told a story of watching her and another child face off in a conflict and essentially take turns hitting one another, with neither child backing down OR crying. While she can’t keep hitting people, I’m glad she stands her ground.)

This is the background against which my own health, well-being, and body-image “stuff” now takes place.

On the one hand, modeling exercise and healthy eating is good for me and good for the kids.

On the other hand, modeling dieting, obsession with weight and personal appearance, not so much.

And of course, my “stuff” is still my stuff. There is no feminist or lesbian “get out of jail free” card for having been enculturated as an American woman, even if I can think critically about my reactions.

Seven weeks ago, I stepped on the scale and realized I was at my highest non-pregnant weight ever. (I count the first 6 weeks or so after the baby is born as still “pregnant weight.”)

I really, really didn’t like that feeling.

So I did two things that I’ve been thinking about doing since Noah was about 2 months old. First, I joined Weight Watchers online. My doctor, who is also one of my closest friends, has had great success getting to and maintaining a healthy weight through their program, and has been encouraging me as well. Plus they were having some sort of promotional deal where you got a bunch of time free in the online program. (Who has time to go to meetings? I do not.)

And last week, I pulled out the T-TAPP video that I bought on the passionate recommendation of Ask Moxie, maybe 5 years ago, again in the aftermath of my 50 lb weight gain pregnancy with Noah. I never did the video then; sleep won every time. But I’ve been doing the basic instructional video (just over 15 minutes) for a week.

This self-care thing seems to be working. I’m eating a ton of fruit and vegetables. In the first 6 weeks, I lost 8.5 lbs, which seems like a healthy rate. The exercise is making muscles all over my body hurt, but in that good, something is working here, way. I raced around with Josie on the playground on Saturday, and I definitely had more energy than I expected to have.

A month from today, I turn 42. There are no crazy weight loss goals for my birthday, but I am shooting for “42:42″ — a total loss of 42 lbs, to be completed and sustained during my 42nd year. That will bring me back down to my wedding weight, still well within the normal BMI range. And I can hit doing the exercise tape a total of 42 times by my 42nd birthday, if I keep it up every day until then.

Posted by Liza at 7:56 am

I’d Rather Have Princesses

The Real Live Girl No Responses »
Oct 212011

Some of you may remember that when Noah was 2-3 years old, he was obsessed with the movie Cars. I am pretty sure we watched it 1-2x/day for a minimum of 6 months. And less regularly for a few months after that.

Josie is showing signs of being similarly obsessed with Cars Toons, a DVD of short stories featuring the same characters.

Except that by “the same characters” I mean Mater, Lightning McQueen, and Mia & Tia, the twin simpering fangirl cars who had no loyalty and became simpering fangirls of the bad guy car late in the first movie. There’s no sign of Sally the Porche-lawyer turned entrepreneur and advocate for small-town history and culture.

In terms of gender depictions in film, I’d rather have Disney’s princesses than CarsToons. At least the Princesses DO SOMETHING other than bat their eyelashes, giggle, and manipulate/betray the good guys. Mulan saves China. Belle helps her father invent things, reads books, rejects boorish suitors, and saves her father and the misunderstood bad guy. Cinderella at least wants some fun and a better life. Snow White also runs away and tries to create a better life for herself, even if it is in service of the 7 (male) dwarves.

Mia and Tia, on their best days in Cars Toons, are NASA door openers (who fawn), surgical assistants (who fawn), Spanish bullfighting fans (who fawn), and Japanese street racing fans (who fawn). In one short film, a film noir parody, Tia manipulates Mater into a trap set by the bad guy, because “it’s the only way I could save my sister.” At least she has agency, even if it is to be a liar and betrayer.

Owen Wilson & Larry the Cable Guy, what is your power over the preschool set? And

Posted by Liza at 6:16 am

Happy National Coming Out Day – 2011

2 Mom Family, Opinion, Personal 2 Responses »
Oct 112011

Happy National Coming Out Day, Everyone!

I’ve been thinking a lot about being out, and why being out matters, and for that matter, why it matters that I am a lesbian, and in particular, a lesbian parent.

There are times when I hate National Coming Out Day. Sometimes I feel like its a day when I “should” come out, even when there isn’t a good context, and it will be awkward, and I don’t wanna and you can’t make me. I know that’s me doing my thing — there are no Lesbian Police checking to see if I’ve made my coming out quota or anything like that.

And quite frankly, fear of awkwardness isn’t a very good reason not to come out. Fear for my safety, fear for my kids, fear for consequences that really matter — those might be good reasons. Awkwardness is just awkwardness, and life is full of awkwardness.

And being out really does matter. Why else would there be more than 1800 It Gets Better videos, and almost half a million people who have pledged to help it get better? It is a lot easier to be scared, and to believe scary stereotypes or rumors about people when you don’t know anyone “like that” — or don’t think you do. And while there certainly are LGBTQIA people who run the full gamut from “ordinary” to “extremely unusual,” once straight people know that they know someone LGBTQIA, their attitudes nearly always change. It’s hard to be scared of someone who sits two cubes over when you hear them kvetch about their boyfriend the same way you do, or someone at the school playground whose kids exasperate them exactly the same way yours exasperate you. Or to think that someone you know from a volunteer program, is really that different from you, after you see them survive and rebuild after having their heart broken.

When straight people see LGBTQIA people, whom they know to be LGBTQIA, in our full humanity, it makes a difference.

Why should anyone care?

In theory, they should not. No one should care who other people date, are attracted to, love, or with whom they build families.

But in reality, some people care.

Our government cares.

And if I want to change their minds, coming out is step one.

I do want to change their minds. Partly for me, but more for my kids. Right now, they still accept that some families have two mommies, some have a mommy and a daddy, some might have two daddies, or even just one parent. But over time, that matter-of-fact quality will not work as well as it does now.

The idea that someone might try to make Noah or Josie feel ashamed of being part of our family…it breaks my heart.

So…I am out. As much as I can be. Every day.

(But I still try to prevent it from being too awkward.)

 

 

Posted by Liza at 8:26 pm
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