Apparently the topic of women having safe, affordable access to birth control and other forms of health will just not die.

For a historical context of how insane it is that we are still having this conversation in 2012, see my former law professor Louise Trubek‘s New York Times op-ed yesterday, about her role in litigating this in 1957.

1957!

In 1983, two things happened to me that seem related. One I actively chose. The other one happened to me.

In health class, we had an assignment to write a research report. I don’t remember what the parameters of the assignment were,but I decided to write about different kinds of birth control. Mainly, I remember 2 things. The Boston Women’s Health Book Collective book, Changing Bodies, Changing Lives, was so chock full of good information that although it was the source for 90% of my information, the teacher gave me double credit for the work — 2 A’s for 1 report. And at the time, there was a “pill for men,” which was derived from cottonseed oil, being tested in China. (That was in Newsweek.)

Yes, I studied birth control options in my public school, and I kicked ass doing it.

Let me be perfectly clear: I was 13 years old. I had kissed one boy. That was the full extent of my sexual experience at the time, and for a good while after that. (Granted, we kissed a few times.)

The other thing was the thing that happened to me.

I suffered such severe menorrhagia that I began blacking out every time I stood up, or had to walk up stairs. No exaggeration. I would stand up, and my vision would go fuzzy and dark from the outside in; and, I usually had to clutch the handrail on the stairs, so that I wouldn’t collapse and fall down.

After 3 weeks, I was no longer able to hide what was going on from my mom, who took me to my first gynecological appointment. They gave me a massive dose of some kind of hormone to stop things, and told us that if I could not keep them down for 24 hours, I would have to be hospitalized.

14 hours later, at around 4 am, I threw up with the kind of drama that I can only describe as exorcisian. Mom rushed me to the hospital, where I got a blood transfusion, a lot of drugs, and finally the ability to stand without fainting.

And when I left the hospital, the doctor gave me a prescription for birth control pills. (And iron supplements.) The birth control pills were to make my body both menstruate, and STOP menstruating. On a regular, appropriate schedule.

I was no slut.

And the birth control pills I was on didn’t make me get sluttier, they didn’t make me have sex. But they did make my body work, they made me not need another blood transfusion, and they made me able to safely LIVE MY LIFE. You know, standing, sitting, walking up and down stairs — the basics. Concentrate on classes, conversations, not walking into traffic because I was no longer obsessing about whether or not I needed to rush to the bathroom, or in the alternative, die of embarassment — I’m not talking about anything too crazy.

I was lucky. My parents had good health insurance, and could afford my treatment and medications.

Everyone deserves the health care I had, although I really hope you don’t need it.

(Especially if you are a teenage girl.)

PS: I would have deserved that health care, and respect, even if I had been having sex. Even if I’d been having sex with every boy — and girl — I knew. I can tell you for damn sure, if I had gotten pregnant at 13, I would have had an abortion. I think we can all agree, 13 year olds should not become parents.

 

Happy National Coming Out Day, Everyone!

I’ve been thinking a lot about being out, and why being out matters, and for that matter, why it matters that I am a lesbian, and in particular, a lesbian parent.

There are times when I hate National Coming Out Day. Sometimes I feel like its a day when I “should” come out, even when there isn’t a good context, and it will be awkward, and I don’t wanna and you can’t make me. I know that’s me doing my thing — there are no Lesbian Police checking to see if I’ve made my coming out quota or anything like that.

And quite frankly, fear of awkwardness isn’t a very good reason not to come out. Fear for my safety, fear for my kids, fear for consequences that really matter — those might be good reasons. Awkwardness is just awkwardness, and life is full of awkwardness.

And being out really does matter. Why else would there be more than 1800 It Gets Better videos, and almost half a million people who have pledged to help it get better? It is a lot easier to be scared, and to believe scary stereotypes or rumors about people when you don’t know anyone “like that” — or don’t think you do. And while there certainly are LGBTQIA people who run the full gamut from “ordinary” to “extremely unusual,” once straight people know that they know someone LGBTQIA, their attitudes nearly always change. It’s hard to be scared of someone who sits two cubes over when you hear them kvetch about their boyfriend the same way you do, or someone at the school playground whose kids exasperate them exactly the same way yours exasperate you. Or to think that someone you know from a volunteer program, is really that different from you, after you see them survive and rebuild after having their heart broken.

When straight people see LGBTQIA people, whom they know to be LGBTQIA, in our full humanity, it makes a difference.

Why should anyone care?

In theory, they should not. No one should care who other people date, are attracted to, love, or with whom they build families.

But in reality, some people care.

Our government cares.

And if I want to change their minds, coming out is step one.

I do want to change their minds. Partly for me, but more for my kids. Right now, they still accept that some families have two mommies, some have a mommy and a daddy, some might have two daddies, or even just one parent. But over time, that matter-of-fact quality will not work as well as it does now.

The idea that someone might try to make Noah or Josie feel ashamed of being part of our family…it breaks my heart.

So…I am out. As much as I can be. Every day.

(But I still try to prevent it from being too awkward.)

 

 

 

It has been a very sober last not-quite-24 hours. I’d dozed off with the light on and my book open when Jill came into the room last night and said, “Wake up! The President is about to come on TV and announce that they caught and killed Osama bin Laden!”

I woke up, and listened to talking heads tell that story for about 15 minutes, before having to crawl back into bed and to sleep. It didn’t hit me until this morning.

My feelings today are complicated. On the one hand, I am relieved. I think he was a dangerous man, and I believe the US was rightly at war with him and with his followers. I wish that I felt his death would make us safer. I wish that his death would help end the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. I cynically doubt either of those outcomes, although hope springs eternal.

I admire the brave Navy Seals who directly took this action. I once had a boss who had been a Navy Seal. The calm, efficient, get-it-done quality they have turns out to have been the right tool for the job. And I admire the President, for making sure that we had good intelligence, and authorizing the action.

I am uncomfortable with hearing about people celebrating the death. The idea of celebrating any death makes me feel queasy.

I am proud of how many of my Facebook friends have put up this quotation from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.:

“I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” -Martin Luther King, Jr.

UPDATED to note that apparently the first sentence of the quotation is not actually from Dr. King. However, Google Books confirms that the language beginning with “Returning hate for hate…” is correctly attributed to Dr. King, from A Testament of Hope: The Essential Writings and Speeches of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, p. 594, edited by James M. Washington.

I have been thinking about my own September 11, 2001. About how I can still barely say the phrase, “I just want to go home,” out loud, without my voice breaking. I felt so alone. So horribly alone, stuck out in California, worried about what was then still my city, DC.

I didn’t know anyone who was injured or killed at the Pentagon. But I lived 12 blocks from the US Capitol building. And I worked about 8 blocks from the White House. I knew that my city was changed forever, but I couldn’t walk around and see it. I couldn’t be there.

For everyone who lived in or near one of the impacted locations, or who lost someone in the attack, it was different. Normally, I am a person who reacts to news with a political lens, almost immediately. But I couldn’t be with that viewpoint right away, not when it was personal. It took a long time for me to get objective enough to think analytically.

That does not mean I supported the excessive response of the US government. I don’t think I am safer because I can no longer take a full tube of toothpaste on an airplane. Or because secret federal FISA courts can authorize the FBI to see what I check out from the library or look at online, without my even being under “reasonable suspicion” of criminal activity. In the old days, law enforcement agencies needed “probable cause” to believe that such intrusion would give them evidence about a crime before they could get records like that.

I continue to believe that our invasion of Iraq was completely pretextual, and that the loss of American, British, and Iraqi lives will be a blot on US history that future generations will find cringeworthy and baffling.

I don’t know exactly what I think about the war in Afghanistan. It didn’t seem like a completely unjustifiable idea at the time…but that isn’t even where they caught Bin Laden, in the end. No one with a democratic sense of values, no one who opposes poverty, or supports freedom of religion, or the rights of women, or free speech, could fail to oppose the Taliban. But we don’t go to war against all dictators. And in a budget crisis, in an economic crisis, can we justify continuing to spend billions of dollars per year fighting a land war against them, in their homeland? Is there still a them there? How would we even know? I do know that still being at war there almost 10 years later seems insane to me. Are we going to stay at war there forever?

My September 11 story has a silver lining.

I finally quit waiting for a seat on an airplane to take me home, and instead decided to rescue myself and drive from Irvine, California, back to Washington, DC. When my cell phone came back into network range in Flagstaff, Arizona, it rang. A woman I barely knew was calling. She was stuck in Denver, and asked if I would detour 6 hours to pick her up. I thought about it for 10 minutes, then agreed. It was through her that I met Jill.

If I had not said yes, if I had not detoured 6 hours to pick up a near stranger, I would never have met my wife.

 

I’ve been reading and watching the coverage of the shooting at Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords‘ community event today. A sitting federal judge, a 9 year old girl, a congressional aide, and 3 other ordinary people are dead; another dozen people are injured.

My heart is breaking.

MSNBC says that nearly all federal officials are presently receiving threats. THAT IS NOT THE NORM. And not only that, but it is wrong. Immoral. Horrifying.

It is NOT the ordinary, predictable way that officials have always lived.

This is the United States of America. We live in a civil democratic society. We have a peaceful transfer of power. We have civil liberties, freedom to assemble, and an active civilly engaged society.

It isn’t perfect. Everyone doesn’t participate. Some people can’t. Others choose not to.

But elected officials, candidates, and other civic leaders host public events, where they meet with and listen to ordinary people.

Right now in my life, as a mother of young children, I don’t participate the way I sometimes have, and the way I believe in doing.

But my parents do. And so do some of my friends. Town Hall Meetings, community brainstorming sessions, County Democratic Party meetings, union events, political rallies, protection of health clinics where abortions are performed, LGBT community events…these are central to the lives of my friends and family, and they are the kinds of events that are the lifeblood of our democracy.

And now, they exist in the shadow of violence.

I don’t want those events stopped.

I don’t want those events turned into intimidating events with police-state style security.

I don’t want my parents to stop going to those events.

I don’t want my friends to stop going, or organizing them.

But right now? I want to throw up. My eyes are leaky, and I keep getting choked up.

I hugged my kids extra tight this afternoon and evening. And I tried to tell them an age-appropriate version of what happened, and why I was sad.

This is not the world of politics and activism that I want for them.

What are we going to do about it?

 

As I sit on my couch, typing this blog post, I can see two identical packages on the ottoman. They contain a Small and a Medium sized Luke Skywalker costume. Noah and Josie both want to be Luke Skywalker for Halloween.

(Noah is also toying with being Darth Vader, having persuaded Madelaine and Eric to costume him when he spent the night at their house a couple of weeks ago. They didn’t know about my amazing early planning this year and cheap early Halloween costume acquisition.)

About half the time that I tell people that both kids are planning to be Luke Skywalker, they comment something along the lines of there being female Jedi knights. That is true, but not what Josie says she wants to be for Halloween. And I’m ok with that.

Noah occasionally tries to convince Josie to be Princess Leia, or Queen Padme Amidala, but she will not be moved. Fortunately, Noah backs down with a firm, “Josie can be whoever she wants to be for Halloween, Noah. And she wants to be Luke Skywalker.”

And although Noah occasionally enjoys dressing up in frilly tutus or princess dresses from our costume bin (or soccer jerseys, or a construction helmet; we have an awesome costume bin), he hasn’t expressed any desire to be a female character from the Star Wars universe for Halloween either.

I have to admit, I’m a little relieved. There just seems to be no doubt that boys who express more traditionally feminine gender styles have a harder time in life. That relief was reinforced yesterday at our parent-teacher conference when the teacher assured us that she could not imagine Noah being bullied, nor did she see him engaging in bullying behavior himself.

I thought about all this in a slightly different lens when I read this beautifully written piece on CNN, by ESPN.com writer L.Z. Granderson: Gays, Mormons, and Boy Scouts’ discrimination.Surprisingly, the article does not blame the LDS church for the BSA’s homophobic policies; instead, it points out that a North Carolina LDS couple was rejected for a leadership position in BSA because of their faith.

The most amazing bit of the article is this quotation:

But if someone willingly joins a private club that discriminates against a particular segment of the population, then each time that person pays dues or attends a meeting, he or she is indirectly expressing agreement with the discriminatory policy.

Granderson isn’t singling out the Boy Scouts; he sites examples of organizations discriminating by race and sex, and several of his examples are as surprising as that of the BSA engaging in discrimination against LDS church members.

This still feels personal to me. Our school is a public charter school, so we quite rightfully must not discriminate against the Boy Scouts for their opinions. They are protected by the First Amendment. I’m disappointed that we have enough families willing to participate to justify a troop. We may be a public school, but the parents are largely progressive, and the school has a longstanding commitment to social justice and non-violence. Personally, I can’t reconcile those values with participation in an organization that discriminates.

On a happier note, did you see that both Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and President Barack Obama recorded videos for the It Gets Better Project? Thank you, Madam Secretary! Thank you, Mr. President!

 

I have 2 other time-sensitive posts brewing in the back of my head: Yesterday should have been the “Letter to Noah” post for the month, and this weekend I was at the awesome and amazing Blogalicious Weekend conference in Miami. Those posts will be forthcoming.

I wanted to title this post “Happy National Coming Out Day,” but then I realized that this year, that title just doesn’t fit.

In the wake of four young men — really, one young man and three boys — committing suicide, and two more teens and an adult being kidnapped and tortured, all for either being gay or being perceived as being gay, 2010 isn’t a year where I feel celebratory about coming out.

There are bright spots. Dan Savage and his partner Terry launched the It Gets Better project, designed to give young gay teens hope and encouragement. Tim Gunn, of Project Runway, has a particularly moving video contribution.

And my own life with my family is a very nice life indeed. I am out pretty much everywhere — everywhere that it makes sense in context. I’m out in the neighborhood, I’m out at church, I’m out to the people in my PhD program (both students and faculty), I’m out at the kids’ school.

At the wonderful Blogalicious conference last weekend, there was a contextually appropriate way for me to come out on my panel — we were talking about finding your voice as a blogger, and I really found mine about 6 months after I started blogging, when I became pregnant with Noah and got obsessed with finding other pregnant lesbians and their blogs. I was out to the people I knew at the conference before that moment, but as the “lawyer-panelist” there was a good chance that there would be no contextually appropriate opportunity for me to come out on the panel, which would have been fine.

Really, the only time I’m not out is when I can’t find a contextually appropriate way to come out. (Or when I forget that I haven’t found one yet and think I’m out, but my absentmindedness is a separate issue.)

For example, I doubt I’m out to the people at Walgreen’s. It would be weird, right? “I’ll have 2 packs of diapers, a bottle of generic headache medicine, and by the way, I’m a lesbian!” Looking the way I look, coming out is nearly always something I get to choose.

Which puts me in a very different position from all those dead and tortured boys.

They had no choice.

They look the way they look, and the people around them perceived them as gay, as different, and as so wrong that it was deserving of humiliation and violence.

And in the cases of the boys who killed themselves, they internalized those judgments, and it was fatal.

In spite of how my life has turned out, and that I was not treated that way for being gay, I do know how that feels.

When I was 8 or 9 years old, I contemplated suicide. I wished I was dead, but I couldn’t figure out a way to do it that wouldn’t hurt. I had more physical fear than emotional misery, so I didn’t die.

I was in the 5th grade, younger than my classmates, socially inept, and both fashion and hygiene unconscious. I picked my nose, and I ate the boogers. My classmates called me Liz Lizard and Booger Girl.

I’ve been looking at that last paragraph and debating erasing it for 15 minutes. Here I am 40 years old, and admitting those things still makes me jittery with nerves.

But in the spirit of Coming Out Day and the It Gets Better Project, I can tell you, whether or not you are gay, if you are picked on or bullied in school, it does get better. It gets so much better. I was lucky. For me, it got better in high school, where I was lucky enough to find a whole cadre of smart, weird, interesting, funny friends. Even if you are not lucky enough for it to get better that quickly, I promise you, it still gets better.

If I had succeeded in coming up with a way to end it all back when I was a child, I wouldn’t have these two beautiful, heart-filling sources of joy in my life. Or their This Mommy.

Sib Love

PS In the universe of surface-unlikely but actually-perfect pairings, if you would like to read a totally charming story about how it can get better, I recommend Ernessa Carter’s novel 32 Candles. Her narrator Davidia Jones is poor, abused, and believes she is what her classmates call her, “ugly as a monkey and black as the night.” Her life gets better, with some very clever twists that I don’t want to spoil. (And the author is a Smith alumna.)

 

Today is Blogging for LGBT Families Day, the 5th annual such celebration and acknowledgment. Having been part of it since the inception, with varied degrees of advance planning and success, I can’t let it pass me by.

But today, I’m feeling both sad and delighted for some of my friends and their LGBT families.

I’m so sad to have heard this weekend that Congresswoman Tammy Baldwin and her now-former partner, Lauren Azar, have separated and dissolved their domestic partnership.

Lauren was a classmate of mine in law school. While we haven’t stayed close over the last 13 years, there was a time when we knew each other well. In fact, before she and Tammy met, Lauren briefly dated one of my housemates — an interestingly intimate way to get to know someone. She and Tammy seemed so well matched, but having a spouse who travels constantly, and sharing an under-the-political-microscope life must be extremely difficult. And of course, it is impossible to ever really know what is going on in someone else’s relationship.

Still I can’t help but believe that social support for a relationship helps keep it healthy and intact. Who knows whether theirs would have lasted if they could legally marry? Or if it were as difficult and expensive to dissolve a domestic partnership as it is to legally divorce?

Regardless of the whys, wherefores, or their eventual long term happiness, my heart goes out to both Tammy and Lauren. I hope that they untangle their lives with as little pain and suffering as possible. I hope each of them eventually finds herself in a thriving new family.

The good news I’ve been thinking of this weekend is every bit as good as the bad news was bad. This weekend welcomed to the world an adorable baby boy, Walden, son of another of my law school classmates and her partner. It also welcomed an adorable baby girl, Cady, daughter of one of my undergraduate classmates and her partner.

Walden and Cady, each of you are celebrated, welcomed, and so eagerly anticipated as members of your two-mom families, and your wonderful, thrilled extended families. All four of your mothers are part of a movement that expands how families are perceived — and at the same time, both of you owe your existences to one of the most fundamental human drives. We love, we crave family love, and we are driven to create families and to nurture new members of the next generation.

Walden and Cady, thanks for making that happen for your parents. I know you’ll bring your mommies as much laughter, terror, love, frustration, affection, awe, and exhaustion as Noah and Josie bring to me and to This Mommy.

And to Andrea and Rebecca, Kim and Peg (and big sister Bea!), my most heartfelt congratulations on your beautiful new babies.

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